It's been a long time. The past few months have been busy with life, work and family. (yes I realize those are way out of balance) I'm not sure I even still have readers. But that's okay. This blog has morphed over the years from a place to document the building of our first house to a possible overseas adoption to leaving a ministry positon to attempting to plant a church to the death of Brian's mother-the miracle of conceiving Chase to his first year of life to the first time I was published to becoming a contributer writing for Ungrind to training for my first half marathon to the death of Brian's dad. (And lots of healthy eats and too many soccer games to count) Wow. It's been a wild ride these last four years.
Along the way, I posted several thoughts and feelings I had about the church, my faith, Christianity, life, etc. I've posted bible studies and simple encouragement. I think for now, I am in the place to use the blog as a catharsis-to ask the great blogsphere the complex questions of life.
A lot has happened since my last post. Brian and I traveled to Haiti and have since been very involved raising money and helping build a school and rebuild an orphanage. We've enjoyed having the community rally around us and this coming weekend we are putting on our town's first ever 5k to raise money for the rebuilding of Macrombe Academy in Haiti.
In the midst of all of these "good doings", I still cant help but feel a little lost. I look around and still feel disconnected from who I am or what my purpose is. There are so many distractions around me that I find it very difficult to be in tune with my calling or to hear God's voice. I'm not sure how to remedy this in our techologically driven world.
Recently, I asked Brian what our purpose was. He replied "maybe its just to focus on our kids; to really focus on Tayler these last two years that he is with us." For the first time in my life, I felt like I had permission to "just focus" on my children. You see it is so ingrained in me to be globally and locally minded that sometimes and often-I have overlooked my children for the greater good.
While I think this has its pros, it also has its cons. I think it is crippling to myself and my children to just focus on them and not teach them that its others first but at the same time, they need to feel like they are valued as much as the "others" in my life.
So as I ponder these things, I wonder - where is God in all of this? Lately, I havent felt like I've heard His voice or felt His presence. Its probably because I dont still myself to listen. I want to get to the place where I know my Savior....really know Him and experience intimacy with Him. There are different levels and I feel like I've definitely had this in the past...but I am feeling called to go deeper, to listen.
So thats what I plan to do. Unplug more often and listen. Quiet my mind and hear. Be a better mother. Let my kids know that I value them and appreciate their uniqueness. Love my husband and be his greatest supporter. And along the way, I might just share some of my brokeness with you.
I pray that as my words are launched out into cyberspace, someone will recognize themselves in me and be encourged-to not give up, to hold out hope, to conquer life and spread joy along the way
