I know Brian has used this blog for cathartic purposes in the past, so I think I will and actually need to as well. For a while now, I can point back to six months ago but probably longer, I have had so much anger in my heart. I actually told Brian in June that it was so strong, it scared me. I had a picture in my head of black weeds, more like thorns, wrapping around my heart and closing in on me. I was totally afraid. I had never been this angry or aware of my anger anyway. I am so disillusioned with the church; in fact I hate it....not the church as the people, but the institution. I am not saying this is the right attitude to have. I am just telling how I truly feel. I know some of you may be gasping.... as some have said, how can you hate the church and plant a church? How can you love Jesus and hate the church? In fact, I have a book in my house titled that- I should probably read it.
Just like I should read my bible.....I have been praying....but, not reading. In my defense, I have been praying for God to bring me back and I feel Him bringing me back. Thank God for that. There are many issues here that go deeper than just this, but this is what I choose to talk about tonight. Maybe my anger is with God as well for reasons that are too deep to go into tonight...I don't want to scare my Christian friends.:) ....more than I already have. Don't worry, just pray for my heart.
I hope this is making sense as my thoughts are all jumbled and I have been holding it in for many months and probably years. Maybe my anger is just my defense mechanism against the messiness of the church.....including my own messiness. I am just glad I am aware of this anger now so that I can deal with it. This is the first step in healing. I am broken, it is heavy, scary, and very emotional. But, I feel His presence and I feel His healing....the comfort is there.
To understand better if I didn't make sense, go to this