Monday, December 10, 2007


I know Brian has used this blog for cathartic purposes in the past, so I think I will and actually need to as well. For a while now, I can point back to six months ago but probably longer, I have had so much anger in my heart. I actually told Brian in June that it was so strong, it scared me. I had a picture in my head of black weeds, more like thorns, wrapping around my heart and closing in on me. I was totally afraid. I had never been this angry or aware of my anger anyway. I am so disillusioned with the church; in fact I hate it....not the church as the people, but the institution. I am not saying this is the right attitude to have. I am just telling how I truly feel. I know some of you may be gasping.... as some have said, how can you hate the church and plant a church? How can you love Jesus and hate the church? In fact, I have a book in my house titled that- I should probably read it.

Just like I should read my bible.....I have been praying....but, not reading. In my defense, I have been praying for God to bring me back and I feel Him bringing me back. Thank God for that. There are many issues here that go deeper than just this, but this is what I choose to talk about tonight. Maybe my anger is with God as well for reasons that are too deep to go into tonight...I don't want to scare my Christian friends.:) ....more than I already have. Don't worry, just pray for my heart.

I hope this is making sense as my thoughts are all jumbled and I have been holding it in for many months and probably years. Maybe my anger is just my defense mechanism against the messiness of the church.....including my own messiness. I am just glad I am aware of this anger now so that I can deal with it. This is the first step in healing. I am broken, it is heavy, scary, and very emotional. But, I feel His presence and I feel His healing....the comfort is there.

To understand better if I didn't make sense, go to this


Anonymous said...

I think it's fair to say that Christians don't live up to Christ's example... unfortunately we hurt each other and non-Christians in the process.

Hope you guys are doing well. Merry Christmas.

Anonymous said...

But the Lord still waits for you to come to him so he can show you his love and compassion. For the Lord is a faithful God. Blessed are those who wait for him to help him.
O people of will weep no more. He will be gracious if you ask for help. He will respond instantly to the sound of your cries. Though the Lord gave you adversity for food and affliction for drink, he will still be with you to teach you. You will see your teacher with your own eyes and you will hear a voice say, "This is the way; turn around and walk here." Then you will destroy all your silver idols and gold images. You will throw them out like filthy rags. Isaiah 30

"Then I called on the name of the Lord; Please Lord save me! How kind the Lord is! So merciful, this God of ours!.......What can I offer the Lord for all He has done for me? I will lift up a cup symbolizing His salvation; I will praise the Lord's name for saving me." Psalm 116

We deserve nothing or worse than nothing. We are failures by God's standards. but by God's great mercy , He gave us Christ and we are free from what we deserve and free to receive grace and forgivenss. We have to look at our own sin in light of God's mercy then everyone elses sin isnt as important. Then look and stare and focus on God's mercy and how He has been faithful and continued to call you and lead you out of darkness. Satan wants us to focus on each other sins and continue to be disappointed in each other b/c of failed expectations. God wants us to be completely satisfied in Him and in His mercy and love, focused on His glory so you can be freed from fear and the bondage of sin. because He delights in you. He loves you. not b/c of ANYTHING you have done right but despite of all we've done wrong and b/c of who He is. He is faithful. Focus on worshipping Him for that and lifting up your cup symbolizing your salvation b/c you have quite a testimony and quite an opportunity to point others to His awesome love, mercy and glory.